i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
