dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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