no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
