I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize