How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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