just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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