Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
