she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
