Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
