I wannas sexs uuuuu
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
