It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
