i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
