i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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