I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
