my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
