The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
