I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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