I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
