I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
