someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
