i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
