I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize