Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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