She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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