I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
