After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
