I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
