Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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