Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
