I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
