there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
