Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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