Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
