I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
