Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
