i think my mom watched the whole time
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
