I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize