i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i think i have herpe
just one?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
