the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
