College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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