Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
