she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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