My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You are the jesus of drinking
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
