I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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