i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
