3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
