we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
