Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
