Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
