and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
