Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
