He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
