why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize