I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
