I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
