I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
