This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
