Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize