I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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