I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
