so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
